SATIRE: Are YOU a Deplorable? Take the Quiz to Find Out!

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As the new year gets going, now would be a good time, especially in this presidential election year, to check your “deplorable status” to make sure you are sufficiently “woke” enough to make the right choices at the ballot box!

Instructions: For each deplorable attribute below, put a checkmark next to the ones that apply to you. We will discuss what to do with your results at the end of the assessment. There are 26 deplorable attributes below, each corresponding to a letter in the alphabet.

Here we go…

You might be a deplorable if…

A/B – you believe America is beautiful

C – you believe capitalism provides the greatest amount of prosperity to the greatest number of people

D – you believe in a democratic, representative, constitutional republic

E – you believe English should be the primary written and spoken language in the USA

F/F – you believe good families are the key to a good society and that people have a right to own firearms

G/H/I – you believe that the USA, drawing from Western European roots, has a Greco-Roman intellectual heritage

J – you believe in Judeo-Christian values

K – you believe that when we find terrorists, we should kick their asses

L – you love Jesus

M – you do not believe that wearing a Halloween costume from a culture different than your own is a fatal microaggression

N – you believe no one should be judged on their race/gender/religious beliefs but rather on the content of their character

O – you believe Obama was a bad president not because he had dark skin but, because, well, he was a bad president

P – you would agree with most of what Publius (the pen name of the authors of The Federalist Papers, written by Patrick Henry, James Madison, and John Jay in 1788, in support of the Constitution,) had to say

Q – you believe most government solutions to society’s problems are quixotic (exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical)

R – you believe that you, and American society, are not fundamentally racist

S – you believe in Chevrolet, baseball, apple pie, and Uncle Sam

T – you believe Donald Trump might be doing something good for America U – you have chanted “USA” in public

V – you believe victory is the goal of a war

W – you believe that “woke” means you are not asleep

X – you believe a person must have two “X” chromosomes to be a woman Y – you believe a person must have a “Y” chromosome to be a man

Z – you believe that much of “Generation Z” (born in the late 1990s and early 2000s) really don’t know how good they have it today in the USA

*End of assessment*

Scoring and Recommended Actions: Now, count up your checkmarks – this is your “deplorable risk score.” Based on your score, see recommended actions below to help ensure you don’t become more deplorable than you already are.

Your score: _________

0: Congratulations! You are not a deplorable! Send in a resume to join the Bernie Sanders presidential campaign; the more radical, the better!

1-6: Slight risk of deplorability – ensure you have a subscription to the New York Times and that you watch CNN and/or MSNBC most nights of the week

9-14: Moderate risk of deplorability – take all the steps of being at a slight risk, ensure you never watch Fox News or OAN, and starting following AOC’s Twitter feed

15-20: High risk of deplorability! Immediately take all the actions of slight and moderate risk! Then, start several monthly donations to radical democrats, i.e. Bernie Sanders, AOC, Ilhan Omar, etc., and if there is an option, make sure your donation and your name are visible to the public (at this stage of risk, you will need solid evidence to show you are quickly moving down on the deplorableness risk scale)

21-26: You are definitely a deplorable! You must take all the slight/moderate/high risk actions now! And, tomorrow (or at least the next business day), you need to sign up for unconscious bias and diversity/inclusion training at your workplace or wherever you can get this training quickly – time is of the essence here! Once that training is complete, you need to post your training completion certificates on social media to show you are ashamed of your deplorableness and that you are taking all necessary steps to become “woke.”

Conclusion: In today’s society, it is all too easy, due to your unconscious racial/religious/gender biases and innate racism and sexism, to live completely unaware of your sad state of deplorableness. I hope this assessment has helped you to become more aware of your deplorability and to have tools at your disposable to move out of deplorableness and into “wokeness.”

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