SATIRE: Global Warming Forces Ski Resorts to Open Early for 2019-20 Season


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Due to global warming, ski resorts were forced to open early for the 2019-2020 season all across America, especially in states like Colorado and New York.

Joe Green, from the Socially Responsible and Environmentally Conscious Skiers, Snowboarders, Ski Workers, and Ski Resort Owners of Colorado (SRAECSSWAROOC) seemed very worried about the situation, saying:

“With all this cold weather and record snowfall that we have had so early this season, we are being forced to open a month early to handle the demand from skiers who want to ski as early as possible. We are very worried that all those extra people driving their cars to and from the ski resorts,  as well as all the fossil fuels we will have to burn operating the ski resorts, will cause grave damage to the fragile ecosystems in and around Colorado. This year, we are bowing to public pressure to open the ski resorts earlier so that ski consumers can spend millions of more dollars at our resorts. But in future years, we will have to take a long, hard look at how opening a month or more early might possibly have negative effects on our beautiful, yet very fragile alpine ecosystems.”

When asked for comments about the millions more dollars that Colorado ski resorts would rake in by opening a month early, Green replied:

“Our association members are, first and foremost, socially responsible business owners, employees, and skiers/snowboarders. They don’t want to do anything that might, to any degree, damage our environment. As I already said, all of our members and I are very distressed about how global warming is negatively impacting our world, like, for instance, forcing Colorado ski resorts to open a month earlier than expected. We are not happy about it, and we are considering proposing legislation in Colorado to prohibit the early opening of ski resorts due to increased carbon emissions. We hope that our Colorado’s elected representatives will see that global warming, right here and right now, is causing increased carbon emissions. We hope they will take action, without delay to preclude further damage to the environment from early ski resort openings, not only in Colorado, but also all around the country. The time is now to take action, as this problem is not just localized in Colorado.”

Update: As of 17 Feb 2020, every major Colorado snow basin, except one, is above or well above its average snowpack. The one exception is 98%.

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