SATIRE: Your Guide to Dining With Leftists


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So there you are – out to dinner with some friends, who have invited some of their friends that you do not know.  You are enjoying an appetizer and chatting with people around the table, when one of your friends’ friends says, “I sure hope that lying fascist Trump is not re-elected!”

Uh oh – as a patriotic, conservative American, you are now on shaky ground here for the rest of the evening.  Just the slightest hint of your support for the President risks putting your social reputation at risk. But fear not! The guide below will help you navigate these socially treacherous waters.

A few basic ground rules for dining and conversing with Leftists:

– Avoid using facts – they upset the delicate emotional balance on which Lefty moral superiority resides.

– Do not cite subject matter experts if those experts do not tow the Leftie party line. They are all “right-wing nuts” with whom you definitely do not want to be associated if you want to maintain your social reputation.

– Always start off your comments with emotional arguments about “the children, the poor, and evil billionaires.”  These buzz words will immediately endear you with Lefties, as you are now “speaking their language.”

Here are four of the hottest Leftist topics that might come up at dinner:

Leftist comment #1. “I’m very concerned about my family home.  My parents still live in the oceanfront mansion where I grew up, and AOC says that in twelve years, my childhood home will be underwater!”

Possible responses:

“Well, I’m not so sure you need to worry.  As the former president of Greenpeace Canada, Patrick Moore has recently said, “climate change has been happening since the beginning of time. It is not dangerous, and it is not made by people.”

My advice: Do NOT respond like this! You violated ground rule #2 – never cite “right-wing nut job” experts.

“AOC could be right, although I’m not sure about the 12-year thing.”

My advice: Acceptable – you are fudging here without really revealing that you think AOC is full of excrement.

“Oh, dear! How horrible would it be to have one’s childhood home flooded by rising oceans! By the way, I’m driving my Prius (more impressive if you say “Tesla”) to the recycling center tomorrow morning – would you like to come along?”

My advice: Yes! This is by far the best answer – full of emotions, no facts, and you show your Leftie bona fides by saying you (even if you don’t) own an electric car and that you drive it to the recycling center on a regular basis.

Leftist comment #2. “Trump is a dictator, and he is destroying American democracy!”

Possible responses:

“Well actually, as of Nov 2019, the federal courts have issued 42 nationwide injunctions since Trump became president, while the courts only issued 20 injunctions during the whole eight years of Obama’s time in office.”

My advice: DO NOT SAY THIS, EXTREMIST! You used the “F” word – no “facts” allowed!

“That’s an interesting thought – tell me more about that.”

My advice: Acceptable – you are neither agreeing with nor denying the Leftie’s claim. This can be a smart ploy, as allowing Lefties to babble on usually reveals the nonsense of what they are saying.  But if most people at the table are Lefties, you risk being seen as a closet Trump supporter if you do not vehemently denounce him.

“Bravo! I’ve been waiting all evening for someone to have the guts to help us all feel the agony of the Trump presidency!”

My advice: Yes! Remember, with Lefties, it’s all about feelings. Good job using emotionally charged words like “guts” and “agony.”

Leftist comment #3. “I support Elizabeth Warren because she gets it right when she says all of my, and most people’s problems in life, are caused by greedy, evil billionaires!”

Possible responses:

“I actually agree with Jordan Peterson who says it is a useless waste of time for people to blame other people for their problems.”

My advice: No! Again, you are citing “right-wing nut job subject matter experts” – flag on the play!

“Would sure love to have a couple of those billions!”

My advice: Acceptable – you appear to be agreeing with the Lefty’s statement, but beware here – the Lefties might sniff out your capitalist greedy side because you seem to be saying you’d like to be wealthy.

“Warren is exactly right! And I’m voting for her because no matter her qualifications, it’s time to have a woman in the White House!”

My advice: Yes! You are playing to the Lefty’s emotions – you show you are for the poor who are being exploited by the rich billionaires, and you slipped in your support for “diversity and inclusion.”

Leftist comment #4. “America always has been, and still is, a white, racist, male patriarchy.”

Possible responses:

“Didn’t America elect and re-elect a black president?”

My advice: STEER CLEAR OF BARACK! Obama is a god to secular Lefties.  It is blasphemous to mention Obama’s name in anything other than words of adulation and adoration.

“I don’t understand the word “’patriarchy.’”

My advice: Acceptable – this is a very strategic answer, as it allows the Lefties to feel intellectually superior since they now have to explain a “big word” to you. But you risk being insufficiently woke if you are not aware of the racist, white, American patriarchy.

“Right on! Those white males (add “like me” if you are one) are the cause of the gender pay gap and of minority poverty, especially for minority children! I was bummed out (pause here for dramatic effect – if you can muster a few tears, so much the better) that Cory Booker and Kamala Harris suspended their presidential campaigns.”

My advice: Yes! You have included “the children” and shown your support for minorities and females based on your feelings of resentment towards the patriarchy. By the way, “resentment” is a prime motivator for Lefties, so when you show resentment against white males (even the ones struggling with opioid addiction as their manufacturing and “carbon-emitting” jobs are disappearing), you are “preaching to the Leftie choir.”

There are countless other topics that could come up when dining with Leftists, but neither time nor space permits us to cover them all here.  So just remember, when dining and conversing with Lefties, emotions are king, white males are de facto malevolent (literally “wishing evil” – notice the word “male” in there), and people are to be judged by the color of their skin, not the content of their character.

Bon appetit!

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