BREAKING NEWS: Our investigative reporter from the Jerusalem Dibah has just discovered that Jesus Christ, the wandering rabbi many have recently called the Messiah of Israel, has decided to cancel his exclusive Passover dinner this week, the Last Supper—due to restrictions imposed by the local Jewish and Roman authorities because of an outbreak of novel coronavirus in Jerusalem.
“Jesus thought it would be difficult to have a Passover meal with the new guidelines,” Peter, the spokesman for the apostles (Jesus’ best friends), said. “Non-family members aren’t allowed to gather in groups of more than ten, and all of us apostles and Jesus makes thirteen. Also, it turns out that the Upper Room, where the meal was scheduled, is only doing take-out kosher meals right now. Then no one is allowed to share a cup, and Jesus said that would interfere with some new ‘sacrament’ he was planning to start called the ‘eucharist.’ So the Last Supper is called off. Jesus is just going to be eating Passover with his mother Mary, and they aren’t receiving any visitors.”
Our reporter asked why Jesus seemed so concerned, when he is known far and wide as a healer, one who continually consorts even with lepers, at risk of his own safety? Peter was evasive on this point, but essentially stated that corona virus is clearly more dangerous than anything else Jerusalem has ever seen. “The plague, leprosy, malaria, the Romans—nothing is as bad as this.”
Our reporter then brought up the comments of a local man of God, who seemed in a frenzy over the cancellation, saying that it would delay the “redemption of the world.” Peter scoffed, “Since when is spiritual health more important than bodily health? You can’t put off something like that? I mean, we have eternity to take care of our souls. We only have a few decades with our bodies. Note that the synagogues are all closed.”
Finally, our reporter asked Peter about the rumor that Judas, the treasurer of the apostles, is buying, hoarding, and re-selling (at confiscatory prices) all the N-95 masks available in Jerusalem, causing shortages for healthcare workers and corona virus patients. No response was accorded. Peter hastily ended the interview and was later seen shouting at Judas, standing much closer than the prescribed 6-feet distance between persons. Anyone who desperately needs, or thinks he needs, a mask, may visit the official Judas’ Mask-erade ™ website.
Meanwhile, the Roman authorities, experiencing their own disruptions, have approved Jesus’ actions. “Yes, we were planning on crucifying Jesus this Friday, but we understand that a public health crisis takes precedence over public executions,” the Centurion Longinus said. “I mean, the coronavirus stays on wood for at least four days so we don’t have time to ensure that the cross has no virus on it before our soldiers handle it. Plus, nailing someone to the cross would violate the 6-feet rule and public executions tend to attract crowds, which contravenes the ‘not above 10’ rule. Jerusalem’s Roman legion commends Jesus for his wise and thoughtful actions.”
The governor Pontius Pilate has announced that the meaning of the “SPQR” insignia has been officially changed to mean “Salus Populique Romani” (the Safety of the People and the Romans). “Health and safety are of course the most important things in life,” Pilate said in his interview with the Jerusalem Dibah.
When our reporter asked him how Rome conquered an empire putting safety first, Pilate said, “‘Victory’ and ‘glory’ and ‘success’ are overrated. They destroy your comfort and prevent you from binge-watching The Officium. We Romans think it may be time to put aside out-dated ideas and come into the 1st century. Besides, the experts tell me that such restrictions are necessary and obviously scientists know more than any other group of people, even ones whose models have been consistently wrong in the past. The good news is that the Carthaginians are swearing that they were not the ones to introduce the coronavirus into the Roman empire. This should be a time to come together in solidarity. I’m glad that Jesus canceled his Last Supper. It shows a submission to government, and, as we know, government mandates are always right.”
The Jerusalem Dibah asks all readers to stay calm, wash your hands, buy masks from Judas’ Mask-erade ™, ignore all fact-riddled rumors that the virus is from Carthage, and remember that the Roman government only takes away your basic freedoms because it has your best interests at heart.
(Note: The Jerusalem Dibah is able to continue printing currently because of a generous grant from Moses Soros and the Carthaginian Foreign Relief Fund.)