Satire | Washington’s Bayonette
Thank goodness—songs in Disney’s new, woke The Little Mermaid live-action remake has been updated to be less sexist and patriarchal and all that evil stuff. “Kiss the Girl,” will now involve Ariel giving consent to be kissed—in case Ariel betraying her father and entire kingdom and selling her voice to a witch to chase the guy wasn’t consent enough.
And Ursula’s song will no longer say, “It’s she who holds her tongue who gets the man,” but “It’s she who screams like a Karen who gets the folx.” In case the fact that the advice is coming from an evil sea witch who wants to destroy Ariel wasn’t, you know, hint enough.
The good news is, Disney will also be banning many of its other classic songs! Take all that hatred of anything un-woke and Let It Go on these eeeevil tunes!
“Mother Knows Best,” from Tangled – Politicians, activists, teachers, transgenders, drag queens, and other good groomers know that mother—and father—most definitely do not know best when it comes to preventing children from cross-dressing, changing their names, hacking off body parts, and making other irrevocable life decisions at the ripe ages of four or fifteen. Don’t forget, kids—all mothers who try to prevent you from mutilating yourselves are really evil witches, just like Rapunzel’s Mother Gothel.
“Someday My Prince Will Come,” from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs – This woman is just waiting around for a man to come rescue her, barefoot and cooking in the kitchen. REEEEEEEE!!!! I mean sure, she totally runs that household of seven vertically challenged men, but she actually PRAYS before bed and she lets a guy kiss her without consent. She should have preferred eternal sleep to being rescued by a straight, white male. Not to mention the fact her snow-white skin is praised as beautiful and her name literally includes the word WHITE. Can you say, “racist white supremacist”?
“I’ll Make a Man Out of You,” from Mulan – AAAHHHHAAHHH!!! Men! Being manly is good! MEN! AAAAHHHH!! At least by the end of the song we have left reality, entered ideology, and the woman is better at being a man than the men are. Not to mention some nice cross-dressing from Mulan. But men. And manliness. DID WE MENTION IT’S ABOUT MANLINESS?
“Beauty and the Beast,” from Beauty and the Beast – Insulting to furries and all those who look different. Let’s call the furry by his name, folx! Maybe he/they/zir identifies as trans-species! Also, beauty is subjective and definitely shouldn’t be applied to a thin white girl who reads Shakespeare, an old, dead, white dude. We do like the movie’s elitist mocking of dumb rural peasants with guns, though. OWN NOTHING AND BE HAPPY, YOU GUN-WIELDING YOKELS.
“Always Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide,” from Pinocchio – NO! Always let the government be your guide! Have no will of your own, you racist, sexist, transphobic peon!
“You Can Fly,” from Peter Pan – No, you cannot fly. Your conservative memes online have put you on an FBI watch list and now you are going to jail. Plus, another pandemic lockdown is coming for—something. No airplane flights for you!
“Sons of Liberty,” from Johnny Tremain – Celebrates the actions of straight, white colonial men (we’re pretty sure there were no blacks or Native American Indians in the Revolutionary Army). Also celebrates the Founding Fathers, who were obviously evil because they were white. And straight. And men. And American. And white. Plus, why the excluding of Daughters? What a sexist name!
“Prince John, the Phony King of England,” from Robin Hood – We’re pretty sure this is secretly meant to attack Joe Biden, whose name also begins with a J, who also has a brute squad he sends to arrest and bankrupt political opponents, and who is DEFINITELY the REAL president and NOT phony. Stop spreading dangerous disinformation, Disney.
Songs that will not be banned by Disney:
“Under the Sea,” from The Little Mermaid – Talks about how evil humans kill fish and eat them, instead of being virtuous vegans. This message is approved by Bill Gates and Fake Fish ™
“The Bare Necessities,” from The Jungle Book – Baloo teaches Mowgli to eat bugs and be happy while owning nothing. YES! This message approved by the World Economic Forum and the United Nations.
“Hakuna Matata,” from The Lion King – Simba learns to eat grubs and other bugs instead of meat. He also learns to be happy while doing whatever he wants and ignoring the fact he has a family. Wow! Bill Gates couldn’t have put it any better! The rest of the movie is evil, though, with all its patriarchy, male rule, patriarchy, a strong father figure, patriarchy, a male mandrill as the wise advisor, and patriarchy. Not to mention it’s set in Africa and is therefore cultural appropriation.
It’s a Woke New World for you and me!