SATIRE: Jesus Orders Leper to “Follow the Science” and Stay Six Feet Away


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Editor’s note: In an effort to expand its coverage, the Rogue Review (RR) has sent a reporter back in time, with the purpose of recording important historical events. 

Ancient Israel, early first century:  In my attempt to understand more about this time period, I have been following a young religious leader named Jesus as he travels among the people.

Until today, the young man, who I believe is in his early thirties, had shown a remarkable level of kindness towards the sick and afflicted, as well as a remarkable talent for healing them and driving out demons. 

That all changed in one of the towns today.  A man with leprosy (an extremely contagious disease with a high mortality rate) fell prostrate before Jesus, and begged to be cured.  Recoiling from the man in disgust, Jesus proclaimed he had had enough of sick people, and ordered the man to “maintain six feet of social distance.”

He then preached to the man about the virtues of wearing a protective face covering, so as not to infect others.

“These people need to follow the science,” Jesus told curious bystanders afterward, including this reporter.  “From now on, I’m ordering all my followers to stay away from the ill and afflicted, except when protesting in large crowds against the Romans.”

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