SATIRE: What Would You Do If You Had $500M to Blow?


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So, I’m driving around the other day here in Florida listening to Rush Limbaugh on the radio – and what do my tingling ears hear?  Oh my! It’s Michael Bloomberg again – the “Savior from Trump.” Mike’s going to “get it done” apparently; there’s no mention of what “it” is, so I’m left to assume “it” means beating Trump. Well, $500M later, Bloomberg has dropped out of the race.

The ad said something about “American values”, “marginalized people” and “children of God.”  Who does this guy think he is – the Pope?

Then Rush comes back on the radio and reminds me that Bloomberg spent roughly $500M of his own money on his campaign to ‘save America’. That got me thinking – if someone really wanted to save the world and had half a billion dollars – or at least save the part of it that he or she could save – what could that person do?

First, let me say I’m glad Mike Bloomberg has made a gazillion dollars in the good ole USA. It appears he has $500M laying around, looking for something to do with it; good for him. So, I thought “what could someone do with 500 million dollars that would really impact people’s lives, right here and right now?”  As Jordan Peterson likes to say, the best way to fix the world is to first fix ourselves, and then to maybe look around to see how we could help others to have better lives.  Here are a few options for the $500M laying around that would “help others to have better lives.”

You could…

  • jump into a presidential race at the last minute, fail miserably, change political parties from when you were last elected, use your financial clout to change your new party’s rules so you can get into the debates, and be a half a foot shorter than everyone else on stage.

OR… You could…

  • go to and make some kids and teachers in struggling schools very happy by helping them get basic supplies and technology that their multi-billion taxpayer-funded school systems can’t seem to afford. With that kind of cash, you could probably fund every request on that website, and still have enough left over to buy another yacht or private jet.
  • use .000014% of your money to finish funding the “Grada Village Water Project” to give Jamila’s family, in Ethiopia, clean and safe water to stay healthy.  In fact, for about 170 thousand dollars (.00034% of your money) you could fund all seventeen projects on the website and still have plenty of money left over for a few bottles of Dom Perignon champagne.
  • be actually concerned about the cost of college tuition, and instead of telling students they don’t have to pay back their financial debt that they willing signed for, pay their tuition upfront – but only at colleges where they have mandatory work requirements to get paid tuition: Alice Lloyd College, Deep Springs College, and College of the Ozarks being good places to start.
  • fulfill every kid’s wish at the Make-A-Wish Foundation for today, tomorrow, this year, and for the next decade – or two.
  • help Rail-to-Trails buy up old railroad tracks to turn them into public hiking and biking paths.  Then, they would not have to “tell Congress to invest in trails” with taxpayer money, as they are currently doing on their website.
  • fund the entire annual budget of the Springs Rescue Mission that provided 124,000 meals, 55,555 nights of homeless shelter, 14,599 spiritual and education classes, and 6,035 case management sessions to help get the homeless back on their feet. In fact, you could fund their entire budget for the next decade, as well as three other similar organizations around the country, and still have enough money left over to buy the 220-acre Cave-cay private island that is for sale in the Bahamas, with its own deep water harbor, private airstrip, and a “luxurious, move-in-ready house on one of the highest points on the island.”
  • use your own money — instead of other taxpayers’ — to pay for medical care for indigent people, as they do at the Mission Medical Center.

You could do all the things listed above, not run for president, make the world an immensely better place, and still have fancy cars, vacation homes, and your private jet to fly you to your mansion on your private island, so you can take sunset cruises on your yacht with its own crew. We know what Mike would do – but what would you do if you had $500 million?

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