SATIRE: Leaked Documents Show CDC Preparing a Condom Mandate for Americans


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Previously unpublished documents leaked from the CDC show that they are planning to brief POTUS on combating a long-standing public health emergency that has been ignored for too long – sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

According to the CDC, there are 20 million new STD cases every year, and more than half of them occur in youth ages 15-24. It looks like all those spring-breakers are having a little too much fun in the sun. So, in preparation for Spring Break 2021, the CDC decided they needed to urgently take measures to combat this lustful problem.

Justin American, host of the Justin American Radio Hour, recently confronted Dr. Iam A. Duguder, spokesperson for the CDC on this issue. Dr. Duguder explained the rationale behind the initiative:

In the USA this year, we have had 9.3 million known cases of covid-19. We saw how easy it was to make everyone stick a piece of cloth over their face, so that got us to thinking about other ways that we could force people to stick other things on other body parts to stop the spread of infectious diseases. Every year in the USA, there are 20 million new STD transmissions – twice as many infections as we have had from covid-19 this year – so STD transmission is an even bigger pubic health emergency than covid-19.

Justin pressed Dr. Duguder on leaked information about a proposed condom mandate. Dr. Duguder seemed surprised that that information had been made public, but in a desire for transparency, Dr. Duguder admitted that the CDC had developed a condom mandate briefing for POTUS:

Yes, that is true, our highly trained STD experts believe that a condom mandate is necessary to stop the rapid transmission of STDs that is ravaging our country, especially in our youth and young adults. Our scientific experts are using the best practices from the various mask mandates from around the country to develop a condom mandate policy that can be swiftly implemented to stop this growing public health crisis.

When pressed for further details, Dr. Duguder declined further comment, but documents leaked to the Rogue Review show the main aspects of the plan:

  • All persons engaging in sexual intercourse of any sort will be legally required to wear a condom. It can be any ole piece of plastic or cloth – just as long as something is covering that thing down there
  • Persons not wearing a condom while engaging in sexual intercourse will face fines of up to $1,000 per occurrence and/or six months in jail with no conjugal visits
  • Upon checking-in to hotels, motels, Airbnb rentals, and all other public lodging accommodations, clients will be required to sign a document saying that they will wear condoms if they have sex in their rooms. Upon checkout, clients will have to sign a document saying that they did not have sex without a condom. If room cleaners find evidence of people having sex without a condom, contact tracers will track down the condom criminals and force them to take a battery of tests to see if they have any STDs. Persons found with STDs will be required to wear chastity belts, and only public health officials will have the keys to unlock the belts
  • All public lodging staff must receive 10 hours of condom mandate enforcement training which will help them to recognize people that are having sex in their rooms and to remind them of the national condom mandate
  • Much like “the mask” signs, all public accommodations will be required to post signs at each entry door reminding clients of the condom mandate. Additionally, signs reminding clients of the condom mandate must be posted conspicuously above each bed

Dr. Duguder’s spouse, Mrs. Duguder, is president of the NCCCWLHSBOWC (National Coalition of Concerned Citizens Who Like to Have Sex But Only With Condoms), and she spoke to Justin in support of the CDC’s proposed condom mandate:

Oh yes – we’ve been pushing for a condom mandate for decades now, but nobody was listening to us until covid-19 came along. Now, everyone sees that people can be made to do just about anything that the government tells them to do if it will “keep them safe,” so now is the time to launch a national condom mandate. 

When asked if the government should be getting involved in Americans’ bedroom activities, Mrs. Duguder became indignant: “Of course government should be involved! As we are seeing with covid-19 and masks, Americans are very stupid and selfish, and therefore the government must step in to keep us safe! Long live Dr. Fauci and the World Health Organization (WHO)!”

The White House press office declined to comment on a proposed condom mandate, but a close advisor to Joe Biden said:

 “Masks, condoms – it’s really the same thing. We need to do whatever it takes to protect public health. I know it would be totally unenforceable and many people would think it was a joke, but none of that matters. Like the masks, the government needs to show the public that it is “doing something” about the STD public health crisis. Enforceability and/or results are really not the issue here. Making us all feel good about helping our neighbors is what really counts.

With this newly leaked information, stocks of Church and Dwight (CHD), the parent company of Trojan condoms, are trending higher in afterhours trading. 

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